Plurk note_10312011

I went to pick up b-day cake on my way to work this morning.

and I thought about the first time i lost you and how miserable i was
then, I decided to wipe my tears with the H&M scarf filled with your scent

I know i am still relatively young and will have much ahead in the future,
but losing you is the pain that I dont know how to recover.

Plurk note_09232011

有意識地跟一個溫柔的女人上床，之後緩慢不安的跌進有妳的夢裡，
妳什麼也沒說，只是輕輕揉著我的頭。
一個下午我把夢境說給兩個朋友聽，半是罪惡，半是傷心。
面對 bistro 啤酒櫃或是桃源街牛肉麵，話都說不清，眼淚撲簌簌掉著。

我想穿上妳的白茶一直坐在昏黃角落裡，不需起身。

Plurk note_09212011

有一角突然靜了下來。在許多空隙裡有多年好友及家人陪著我，卻轉瞬靜默。好多時候我原想記好今天的細節，回家要同妳說些玩笑話的，又忽然領悟應該會撲空吧。於是我緩慢地在角落的陰影坐下，把心裡的聲響關起。

T, I really miss you.

Plurk note_09122011

I am going home. Went to Austin and LA in the past few days, but there is one more place where I feel incoherently settled.

I had a shallow sleep on flight to Tokyo and nightmare with cold sweat. Every day and night, I feel emptiness has eaten me away. I am scared.

Plurk note_09082011

I learn to cry without making noises, it's not that I wanted to be brave so I have to keep it to myself, no.

I simply don't want to scare myself

Last nite i sat at a different bar drinking beer and whiskey, alone of course, to stone drunk

And then I came home to sit in the dark, to smell her in the air. I giggled like a little girl because I could still smell you, so close to me.

That took me into a painful serenity, I started crying.

Autumn has arrived, even though it's hot and humid outside, I know it is here.

But it somehow doesn't matter any more.

應該。

淋浴，更衣，抓著包包滿地找鑰匙。
找到鑰匙，拎著鞋下樓以後才發現忘了拿電話，邊咕噥邊爬上樓來。
終於坐在樓梯上把鞋穿好，
推門而出盡是滿溢的加州陽光，帶著一點蒸散的海潮味。

這樣的日子，也沒有多大的不同，我想，
還以為自己有天會融化在陽光底下了呢。

日以繼夜不斷更換的夢境，場景跳過許多不同的城市，
有時灰白，有時帶著夕陽的溫黃，
夢裡總有開心的時刻，摟著妳湊在耳邊胡亂說些玩笑話，
炎熱夏日裡沙石飛揚的小徑，
夜還未深，一起踢踏在巴黎石板路上的皮鞋聲，
在小餐館裡分食著一份甜酒，
酒醉歸途，把妳背在肩上，
豆子城好冷呵，我們此起彼落的笑語在耳邊化成漸層的白煙，
然後妳在夢境的尾巴離開，我被從六角窗溢進來的陽光刺醒。
起身了，才發現我又蜷著溫熱的床單哭過一回。

所有同妳有關的事都讓我軟弱。
某天早上洒上妳一直慣用的白茶香水，
怔怔地在車裡發了好大的一個獃。
妳初次走來我身邊的時候就帶著這味道，
而我卻忘了好好地，一直看著妳。
所以妳離開的時候，只好小心翼翼把自己埋在妳找不著的地方。
因為小心眼，當妳再走來的時候，我戒慎反抗地退出一大步安全距離。
面對妳，我總是拿捏不好前後的平衡，
我們都是大人了，我常對自己如是說，
卻忘了要放走心裡的恐懼，忘了多花心思陪著妳說話，
忘了對妳溫柔些，忘了要好好看顧著妳。
想過那麼多的 what if 和 should have，
我只想一直陪在妳身旁。